# any good jokes!!



## Taz (May 3, 2008)

ORIGIN OF THE HUMAN RACE
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later she asked her father the same question. 
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was evolved." 
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were evolved from monkeys?" 

The mother answered, "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side."








A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must have been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.... And before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him."


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## ericschevy (Nov 10, 2006)

LMAO, Both good ones..

A guy gets into a serious car accident and was in a coma for three days. When he woke up he asked the doctor "What Happened?" The doctor said you were in a bad accident. The guy said Really? The doctor said yeah, I have good news and I have bad news. The guy said give me the bad news. The doctor said your legs were crushed so bad that we had to amputate them. The guy said That's HORRIBLE, then says what's the good news? The doctor said, The good news is, The guy on the other side of the curtain over there wants to buy your shoes......LMFAO


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## Taz (May 3, 2008)

Two ********, Jim and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bubba and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.' Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the t wo leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jim says 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I a m a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes & how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'

Jim says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'


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## reddoggy (Jan 31, 2008)

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!:hammer: ROFLMFAO!!! :goodpost: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## PullDawgPits (Apr 15, 2008)

HAHAHAHAHA!

Thanks! I needed a good laugh

Stephanie


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## ericschevy (Nov 10, 2006)

LMFAO>>>^^^^^^:rofl: :rofl:


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## Marty (Dec 10, 2005)

Taz... I had to share this one, hope you don't mind :cheers: 

Very good laugh my friend


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## Taz (May 3, 2008)

Marty said:


> Taz... I had to share this one, hope you don't mind :cheers:
> 
> Very good laugh my friend


nope dont mind at all. use it up the world needs more laughs

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,

"Then your stance is too wide."

heres one!!!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for
the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked
his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was
Breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied. "Well, strip down
to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded,
rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed,
rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he
said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk." "I
know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."


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## buzhunter (Sep 3, 2007)

LMFAO! You are killing me! I don't think I know any appropriate jokes. Well, now I do.


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## smokey_joe (Oct 14, 2005)

What did the bananna say to the dildo?


"What are you shaking for? She's going to eat me!"


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## Taz (May 3, 2008)

ha ha ha :goodpost: 


Why don’t they have sex ed classes and driving classes on the same day in Afghanistan???


Because the camels would be too tired.


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## smokey_joe (Oct 14, 2005)

HA HA!! I love this thread!!!


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## Taz (May 3, 2008)

yeah you should have an official go pitbull jokes section


An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife
tagging along. 

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, 'I will need
a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.'

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,
'What did he say?'

The wife yells back to him, 'Give him your underwear!'


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## Taz (May 3, 2008)

How a marriage works

All men should read this. 

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife. 

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't belong, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...' 


'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?' 


........and, they lived happily ever after.


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## NesOne (Feb 7, 2008)

LMAO!!! All very good jokes. I'll have to do some searching around and post some up that are worthy.


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## Taz (May 3, 2008)

There's this fella that gets pulled over by a traffic cop for speeding, and the following exchange took place:
Cop: "Can I see your driver's license please?"
Driver: "I don't have one. The Courts took it off me."
Cop: "May I see the registration for this vehicle?"
Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."
Cop: "The car is stolen?"
Driver: "Yep. Although, come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I put my gun in there."
Cop: "There's a gun in the glove box?"
Driver: "Yep. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the fella who owns this car and stuffed his body in the boot."
Cop: "There's a BODY in the BOOT?"
Driver: "Yep. That's right."

Upon hearing this the officer immediately called for back-up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver.
Captain: "Can I see your licence?"
Driver: "Sure. Here it is."
It was valid.
Captain: "Who's car is this?"
Driver: "It's mine. Here's the registration papers."
The driver owned the car.
Captain: "Could you open the glove box slowly so I can check if there's a gun in it."
There was no gun.
Captain: "Could you open the boot? I was told that there's a body in it."
Driver: "Yep. Sure.'
The boot was opened.......no body.
Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you didn't have a licence, the car was stolen, you had a gun in the glove box, and there was a body in the boot."
Driver: "Yeah, and I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding as well."


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## Taz (May 3, 2008)

i got this one today lmfao


THE WORLD'S SHORTEST PSYCHIATRIC JOKE
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, 'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'


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## MY MIKADO (Apr 7, 2006)

Husband says to wife "Honey I think we should put slmfast in your panties."
"Why we do that honey?" replied the wife
Well maybe we could rid of that butt of yours.

The next day the husband goes to get some underwear and there is a fine dust over all of them. "Honey, there is dust all over my underwear?"

"Thats Not dust sweetie it's miracle grow."


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## Taz (May 3, 2008)

:rofl: :hammer: doh




Inner Peace

Some doctor on the television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.


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## Taz (May 3, 2008)

Happy Hour In Texas....

A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas. 

A sign in front of a restaurant reads: 

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL 
Lobster Tail and Beer 

'Lord almighty' he says to himself, 
'my three favorite things!!'


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## American_Pit13 (Apr 23, 2007)

Taz said:


> Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.


LMAO!!!! I WISH I FELT THAT GOOD.


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## American_Pit13 (Apr 23, 2007)

Not a joke but funny


You find out interesting things when you have sons, like ...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is stro ng enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even th ough a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good para chutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


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## Taz (May 3, 2008)

[email protected] #25:goodpost:


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## Taz (May 3, 2008)

Well, this Doctor who had a very successful Proctology practice finally decides he's had enough of dealing with peoples behinds and retires to pursue his live long dream to become an auto mechanic so he could work on his hot rod.

After the first year of school the doctor is given his exam to qualify for the next advanced class.
The instructor of the class gets a call from the Dean of the School and is asked to report to his office. The Dean asks why the Doctor received an A+++++ on his final exam.
The instructor exclaims that the final included rebuilding an engine while still mounted in the car.
The Dean asks why the excessive grade....any one of the better students could have done this task easily.
The instructor remarks, "Thru the tail pipe"?


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## Taz (May 3, 2008)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. 


She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.


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## American_Pit13 (Apr 23, 2007)

LMAO those where funny.


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## Taz (May 3, 2008)

When Grandma Goes To Court 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they 
aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, 
a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. 
Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. 
I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big 
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate 
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when 
you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a 
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room 
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a 
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't 
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the 
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three 
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney nearly died. 

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet 
voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the 
electric chair."


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## FOSTER (Nov 14, 2006)

Black testicles....I laughed my ass off! 
Category: Blogging 




A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. " Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don’t know, sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then she takes a close look and says, "There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.........

"Are-my-test-results-back?"


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## Taz (May 3, 2008)

Engineer v Manager: 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, 

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, 
"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


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## FOSTER (Nov 14, 2006)

*the wash clothe*

This is funny

Ladies this has to be read, laughed at
and passed on.

There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over
this.

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week, but I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and
school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the
full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the
washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an
extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal.

Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.. 
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom,
'Mommy, where's my wash cloth?' I told her to get another one from
the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the
sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.

'
Never going back to that doctor EVER.


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## FOSTER (Nov 14, 2006)

1) SOUTHERN BAPTIST BRA:
A man walks into the lingerie department of Macy's
In New York City.



He tells the sales lady, 'I would like a Southern
Baptist bra for my wife, size 34B.

'

With a quizzical look the sales lady asks, 'What
Kind of bra?'

He repeats, 'A Southern Baptist bra.

My wife said to
Tell you that she wanted a Southern Baptist bra, and that
You would know what she wanted.

'

'Oh, yes, now I understand,' says the sales lady.



'We don't get as many requests for them as we used
To.

Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the
Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.

'

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asks, 'So,
What are the differences?'

The sales lady responds, 'It's really quite simple.


The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra
Lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them
Staunch and upright.

'

He muses on that information for a minute and says,
'Hmm.

I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Southern
Baptist bra do?'

'Ah,' she replied, 'the Southern Baptist bra makes
Mountains out of molehills.

'



2) MAIL ORDER


WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU...




DEAR MADAM:



THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.



YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.



PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM.




THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.




"WELL SHIT!"


3)
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.

Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, foul language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.



Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.



Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo.

Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.



Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.



Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.



Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor.

Now what do I do?

REMEMBER, THESE PEOPLE CAN VOTE.




4)




CHURCH GOSSIP

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's 
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several 
members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.



She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.





She emphatically told George (and several 
others) "that everyone who saw it parked there would know exactly what he was doing". George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said 
nothing.



Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... Walked home.. And left it there all night.



You Gotta love George...!!!!


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